The Transformational Arden Key
JT: Credit Where Credit is Due
This had to be one of the columns I looked forward to writing most. There are some that I enjoy researching, some that I can’t wait to sit down and type out, some that I just know will “hit” and garner “10s and 10s of views.” But the smile that plastered itself on my face when Arden Key stated that he was responsible for changing the culture in Jacksonville has yet to subside. I have looked forward to this article for awhile. So enough reflection. Enough hesitation. Enough with this introduction...
JaguarsTalk is proud to give you, the great fans of Jacksonville, the list of accomplishments, changes, and overall greatness that would’ve never been, if not for the transformational figure that is newly acquired Tennessee Titan linebacker, Mr. Arden “the culture changer” Key.
Obviously he was solely responsible for changing the entire culture, not only in the Jacksonville Jaguars organization both on and off the field, but also Mr. Key and Mr. Key alone changed the entire culture of the city of Jacksonville, Florida.
Arden Key is the reason FAU is in the Final Four.
Arden Key built it, and they came.
Arden Key made Metro Diner breakfasts unfathomably good.
It was Arden Key who made Jaxson de Ville the greatest mascot in the NFL. Not many can play linebacker AND be your teams award winning mascot during the same game. Every. Single. Week. Honorable mention: He’s the brain behind Shark Coatings as well.
He’s responsible for Anthony Richardson’s overly impressive NFL combine showing.
Tiger Woods’ 2019 Masters win.
Seven of Tom Brady’s Super Bowls. You know which seven.
Raphael’s Madonna’s.
Donatello’s Equestrian Statue of Gattamelata.
Leonardo’s Mona Lisa.
Michelangelo’s David.
Splinter’s mastery of ninjutsu.
Shredder’s bladed armor… Arden forged it.
Arden Key was the one who convinced Orville to pursue flight… and popcorn.
You know how you never remember the name of the second guy to walk on the moon? Arden Key.
Arden Key was responsible for breaking the four minute mile.
He summited Mt. Everest just to show Sir Edmund Hillary that it was possible.
Brandi Chastain’s World Cup winning penalty shootout goal against China in ‘99…trained by Arden Key.
The ellipsis “…” That I oft overuse… Invented by none other than…
Guess who freed Willy!
Running water.
Sliced Bread.
That 16-point buck “I” bagged… Arden “the archer” Key.
The Allied invasion at Normandy… Eisenhower, FDR, Churchill, Key
Babe Ruth’s “Called Shot”…Arden Key told him where to point.
Mario Lemieux saving the Penguins franchise, Ovechkin’s liver not failing after the 2018 cup win, Gretzky’s daughter being so unfairly hot, and Dustin Johnson not having me “disappeared” for saying so…all Arden Key.
The success of NBCs 1990s Thursday night line-up…
One if by Land, two if by Arden Key. Everyone thought it was Paul Revere who made that famous ride.
The wheel, penicillin, printing press and telephone
Do you know why an uncountable number of people are no longer returning from their winter breaks on crutches? The invention of the quick release ski binding. You guessed it…Arden Key.
Before Arden Key, my cooler was only able to keep ice for a day at a time, since Arden Key, we now have the Yeti.
In the past, when I wanted to print things out, I used to have to suffer through the world of the dot matrix. Now I have the Epson eco-tank. Oh wait, that’s Shaq… or is that just what Arden Key want’s us to think.
The YKK zipper. You Know Key had his hand in that.
The laser disc, mini-disc, betamax, Jar Jar Binks… Those failures didn’t dissuade Arden Key. He used them to fuel his ultimate success; the changing of the culture in Jacksonville.
I’m sure there are many other Arden Key accomplishments/changes for which he alone is responsible. The above are just a handful I could think of off the top of my head. Please feel free to inundate me with the ones I have forgotten to mention, in the comment section below. I, and every Jacksonville Jaguars fan, am eternally grateful to Arden Key for single handedly changing the culture of the entire organization. I just pray, beyond all hope, that lesser Jaguars figures such as, Doug Pederson, Shad Khan, Trevor Lawrence, the usher in section 105, the girl who sold me my first “soda” in The Bank, and the person who hands out free game programs at stadium entrances, can pick up the crumbled pieces of leadership that have been so abruptly left behind by the exit of The Transformational Arden Key.